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UmbrellasMustBeRed
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Name: strange
Birthday: 7/4/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: Maybe someday I will tell you all about it when I’m in the mood to lose myself with words.
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/30/2005
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| i have been so sick. strep throat, baaad toothache, yeast infection. you dont even want to hear about it. Things have been improving for us. We just passed our sixth month, and we're slowly [so slowly] but surely making progress financially. i wish you could see the sunset. the sky is pink with little wisps of orange cloud, and the sun is dipping down into the sea. I can see it out my window. I whispered, 'I am too young,'
And then, 'I am old enough';
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
'Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.'
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.
O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon. -Yeats | | |
| Mirror I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful --
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over. Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish. -S.P. [you are probably tired of hearing this, but i moved again, this time hopefully for the last time: San Diego. and finally. things are good...im in love.... come visit.] | | |
| its funny how i find myself turning here when i get like this.
...this fullness to bursting that i often talk of.
this brilliant ache of longing to understand and make something out of what can only be described as restlessness.
but for what?
this my dears is the question that is driving me crazy. crazy only because what i can seem to make of it doesn't sound the least practical or logical or anything else realistically understood to be sane.
the wonder in my head is so intense, and the thoughts that its wondering are so hard to grasp, that i have lost all external focus.
i now understand what it means to be lost in thought, but i don't ever remember hearing about this unseen push behind it. It's almost as if this has been set off by some internal decree in order to drive me to the discovery of whatever it is that im supposed to figure out.
The fact that i dont know what that is however, is frustrating beyond belief. Its here in my head, i know it is. But i have to sort through the massive explosions of brain wonderings and discoveries and realizations and questionings.
The only way that is possible it seems, is to write it all out; to start with the foremost thought in my mind, and write and try and understand what's here inside myself.
the problem with THIS is that the thoughts are hitting me so fast, that i cant seem to catch hold of one before i am struck
again. and again. and again.
with the next, and the endless supply of ones after that. each one just as important as the last.
this isnt making any sense. i think i could continue trying for days to attempt to explain what is happening to me. and as crazy [NOW do you get it?] as this all seems, it is happening and so i must write about it. because that is what i do to try and understand.
do you think, that maybe what we can see is so small and impaired, and the way we think so dark and obscured, that without a complete mind shift we might possibly have sealed the door on truth?
do you think that maybe what we say we know and believe, things that the world holds to be true, if we were honest with ourselves, is just as much unknown to us as the face of a perfect stranger?
but i cant help thinking, that if we are able to come across that truth, even if we didn't know it at the time, there are things that will scream out to us to recognize it, if only we would look a little deeper. and maybe a little differently. things that might be small and seem insignificant to our jaded minds, but still cause us to become a bit flustered before we dismiss them away.
Just as occasionally in the faces of those perfect strangers, we sometimes happen to see a glint of something we recognize, something we don't understand, and so turn away from because "to think more of it would be crazy".
and thats what i mean. or rather, thats as close as i can figure. and thats what i intend to do:
to think more; to think crazy. because maybe, crazy is really only that which we don't understand.
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| the other day, someone called me a world traveler. But, I think I am more of a world experiencer. Yes. I have now lived on the west coast, east coast, the midwest, the south, and now im back to live coastal town west coast.
Florida was amazing. It was so unique and different. The air was always warm, and usually always humid. But I kinda liked it. There was a palm tree in any random direction you chose to look, and The weather was always crazy. Sunny, then pouring, then windy, then calm, then a hurricane. If you didnt like the weather, wait five minutes.
At dusk, herds of dragonflies would hover together just out of reach of your hands, darting and dipping around the twilight. There was also a multitude of tiny bitsy crabs that had found there way all the way from the water to the different neighborhoods and city scape. Little itsy ones the size of large spiders, that would scuttle away sideways before you could catch them.
The people there had an air of wealthiness to them, and everything always felt like vacation. It was nice, but I couldnt live there forever
They lived there and were so comfortable
that they couldn't bear it any longer
and so drowned themselves
Moving out to cali was difficult. the drive was long, and the destination was a whole different concept of confusion. I dont want to talk about it. But i will say that I have learned a good lesson. I tended to put things off, such as contentedness, or joy, or mental decisions, with the thought that "things will be fine, or come together, when I get to such and such". But i know now that each has its own troubles, and that nothing that we wait for will fix anything else. It is fixed when we fix it. Not before, not after. today i am in a new city. San Francisco, actually. It is big, and quaint, and busy, and next to the sea.... Just like i like it. But these past two days, I still havent been happy. I was upset at myself...what was my problem? didnt I ask for all this? a good job? a job that paid well? a job I liked? in a situation that I dreamt of? Yes. But i was alone, and I felt so terribly homesick. It honestly isnt easy to in one week, break up with your boyfriend, and move to a completely new place in a completely new city, without anyone you know. I needed a familiar face, a friend, a hug. I needed to not be alone. Then i realized, that all that "time to figure out my heart" that i had kept putting off, delaying until i "was in california" or "until i had a job" or when things get settled", I not only had now, but was kind of forced to do. I had asked for the time, and God gave it to me. Funny thing, he also obliterated the distractions along with it. Just for me, seeing as he knows me so well. thanks daddy. Your child finally caught the not so subtle hint. Things are good today. Cooper and Athena are at school, and I have all the time in the world to do everything I wanted time to do: Running, writing, reading, figuring my heart out, and even time for my extras. I will go visit the SF dance studio in a little bit, and finish applying to all the modeling agencies. I even made a few friends. I think that while i always knew trials were to teach us, I forgot to try and understand just what it is that was. So i was sad, but why had God put me here in this spot? I remember a quote i used to like: Sometimes its good to step on peoples toes;
It makes them move.
btw, i discovered itunes genius bar today. me likes.
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| sometimes i feel like life makes me claustrophobic.
like...it closes in on me from all sides and i just cant breathe.
and when that happens i just need to run. away.
not anyplace in particular, just somewhere i can find some air and catch my breath.
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